Spooky season came to Milwaukee early this year as monsters descended upon the city for the Midwest Haunters Convention.
From Mothman’s butt to post-mortem photography, Ed Gein’s penis to your friendly neighborhood occult group, let’s dig into some of the strange searches that bring fresh victims to Cult of Weird.
Here at Cult of Weird, some of the strangest trips one can take are not out into the dark corners of the world, but down into the dim, claustrophobic catacombs of the website analytics.
There, lying in wait for the next unsuspecting victim, are the search phrases visitors queried that brought them here. It is a subterranean chamber of terror, filled with the decaying remains of information superhighway hitchhikers who lost their way.
Sometimes it’s fun to go in there with a flashlight and shovel, dig down a few layers and poke some of the rarer specimens that brought those doomed souls to our strange, distant shores.
This time, I’m taking you with me. So grab your compass and your crucifix, we’re going exploring. And maybe get your affairs in order, because there are no guarantees we’ll make it out alive.
Here are some recent terms visitors have searched for that, tragically, brought them to Cult of Weird.
Haunted Board Games
Why does my piece somehow keep moving closer to the finish line? No idea. The board must be haunted. What other explanation could there possibly be….
The Ouija board tends to invoke more fear than, say, Scrabble, but family game night has probably taken a weird turn now and again due to haunted board games. Monopoly takes so damn long that surely a few players have died over the years waiting for the game to end.
Unfinished business, of course, leads to restless spirits.
The longest game of Monopoly on record lasted 70 days. I would have voluntarily expired long before that, then stuck around the board just to torment the next player unfortunate enough to land on Park Place. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to purgatory.
On a side note, can I request a death edition with gravestones and mausoleums rather than houses and hotels?
There are some creepy vintage board games that might send a chill down your spine, but I haven’t heard about any of them having real ghosts.
If you’ve ever had a real haunted board game, I want to hear all about it.
How Many Bodies are in Lake Superior
Are we including the ones I dumped there? Asking for a friend.
By surface area, Lake Superior is the largest lake in the world. She (can I assume a lake’s gender?) accounts for 10% of all the planet’s fresh surface water, and reaches a depth of 1,333 feet.
But don’t let her thiccness distract you from the fact that this lake is dark and full of terrors (such as the fur-bearing trout) and she doesn’t give up her dead. She harbors an estimated 350 shipwrecks. Among them is the famous Edmund Fitzgerald, which carried 29 crew members to their watery graves.
More than 10,000 people are known to have died in Lake Superior. So how many bodies are there? The answer is a lot. Many bodies. Probably still remarkably fleshy and well-preserved in the frigid depths where the cold temperatures inhibit bacterial growth that causes decomposition.
In fact, I’m here to convince you, without any statistical data to backup my conclusion, that Lake Superior may be the largest freshwater grave in the world.
Grandma is Dead Board Game
Is Grandma dead? Is she just sleeping? Who cares! Players take turns rolling the dice and moving their pieces around the board as they stake their claim on Grandma’s valuable organs.
If you roll doubles, draw from the “Make An Incision” pile and follow the directions on the card. Cross your fingers Grandma doesn’t wake up!
Actually, the Grandma is Dead board game they’re looking for is probably this one:
Jonathan Carver Summerwind
Raymond Bober, writing as Wolfgang Von Bober, published a book in 1979 called The Carver Effect: A Paranormal Experience. It told the supposedly true story of the Summerwind haunted mansion in Wisconsin where the restless spirit of 19th century explorer Jonathan Carver was still searching for a lost deed that granted him ownership of a large swath of land in northwestern Wisconsin and eastern Minnesota.
After Carver’s journeys in North America, he retired in London and wrote a book about his travels in 1778. Dr. John Coakley Lettsom bought the rights to the book and claimed, after Carver’s death in 1780, that he was in possession of a deed signed by two Sioux chiefs dated “Great Cave, May the 1st, 1767” giving Carver some 10,000 square miles of land.
The deed was lost and never seen again after Carver’s widow died. In 1804, some of his heirs tried to claim the land they believed belonged to their family. U.S. Congress investigated, determining English law at the time prohibited land grants to individuals.
Members of the Sioux tribe in St. Paul said they were unaware of the deal, and elders said there had been no chiefs with the names supposedly signed on the deed.
Congress also concluded that Carver had never spoken or written about the deed, and denied the family’s claim in 1823.
However, that didn’t stop them from trying to sell portions of the land for the next several decades.
The deed never seemed to exist at all, much less hidden in the foundation of Wisconsin’s most haunted house – which was built over 100 years after Jonathan Carver’s death.
This sexy Mothman pin is available right here
Girl, you must be Mothman because I’ve been sensing impending doom all night. #LiveLoveLurk
Dinosaur erotica? Yep, it exists. Bigfoot? You know what they say about big hairy feet. There’s even a steamy tale of love between a woman and an anthropomorphic coronavirus.
If it’s weird, dark and handsome you’re looking for, though, nothing quite fills that cryptid-shaped hole like Mothman erotica.
The elusive winged creature with glowing red eyes and a kink for tragedy might seem like an unlikely harbinger of love, but you’ll be craving the P (that stands for “proboscis”) in no time.
Not sure where to start? Might I suggest Chuck Tingle’s Bisexual Mothman Makes a Special Delivery in Our Butts.
On a side note, this:
People in Antique Coffins
The intent of this search is either to see photos of modern individuals kicking back in vintage coffins for…fun…I guess…or, to locate examples of 19th century post-mortem photography.
I’ll assume it’s the latter. But if you do happen to find yourself lying leisurely (preferably still alive) in an antique coffin, please send photos.
Wealthy families were afforded the luxury of painted portraits to hang above their mantels. Most were less fortunate, without means of permanently preserving a loved one’s image.
Post-mortem photography became popular after the invention of the daguerreotype – detailed images captured on a plate of polished silver – made the photographic process available to the public for the first time. A photo of the deceased lying in bed as if asleep, propped up in a sitting position, lying in their casket, or held in the arms of their grieving parents was often the only one ever taken of them.
Sometimes, eyes were painted onto the film over their closed lids to make them appear more lifelike.
Here are some examples of post-mortem photography featuring people in antique coffins:
Ed Gein Penis
For better or worse, I do know a lot about Ed Gein. I’ve spent a lot of time researching his crimes, visiting Plainfield, and talking to others whose lives have inextricably become intertwined with Gein’s legacy.
And, of course, I brought the story of Ed Gein’s cauldron to the world, landing it in Zak Bagan’s Haunted Museum in Las Vegas.
However, I don’t know anything about Gein’s penis. Am I missing something? Is there a deeper mystery here that I have yet to uncover?
Rasputin’s penis is pretty popular ’round these parts, so if there is another mysterious historical member, I feel it is my civic duty to tell its tale.
Mothman Statue Butt
The mysterious Mothman has become something of a patron saint in Point Pleasant, West Virginia, where sightings of the notorious winged humanoid creature culminated in the Silver Bridge collapse in 1967.
The Mothman statue was created by artist Bob Roach and installed near the Mothman Museum in 2003, and has since become a popular tourist destination. There are many photos of the shiny metal Mothman online.
But have you wondered what the Mothman statue’s butt looks like? I certainly didn’t.
Is it true the last ingredient in making telephone is human ear?
If your telephone recipe calls for human ears but you don’t have any lying around, I recommend substituting egg whites for an extra fluffy consistency.
What this searcher doesn’t know is that I do secretly consider myself the Julia Child of human remains-infused objects you probably shouldn’t eat™ (sub to my Youtube channel for cooking tips) so I can tell you with some authority that if there’s an ear in your phone you’re doing it wrong.
However, it’s worth noting that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone after creating a recording device called a phonautograph that utilized the ear of a cadaver.
The girl in the dollhouse grave
There are a handful of unique dollhouse graves around the country – memorials built by grieving parents in the form of small playhouses with dolls and toys inside.
The “girl with the dollhouse grave” may specifically be referring to the grave of Roselind Nadine Earles in Lanett, Alabama.
After weeks of illness, little Nadine died at the age of 4 on December 20, 1933. She had wanted a dollhouse for Christmas, so her parents built a small brick house and filled it with her toys and other personal belongings.
The “bed” inside the small house on which a doll in a blue knitted dress sits is Nadine’s crypt. Her coffin is inside, and the type is inscribed with her epitaph.
Visitors leave toys, candy and birthday cards for Nadine on the porch.
Nadine’s parents, Julian and Alma, are buried in the yard around the house.
Occult Groups Near Me
These Cult of Weird-sponsored occult groups meet weekly in your local cemetery:
- Necromancers Anonymous
- Getting Golder Together (alchemists support group)
- Mystic Order of the Olden Pawn (esoteric chess)
- Helping Hands of Glory
- Dark Arts & Crafts